Sometimes, I wonder you know? I just wonder about certain things, the why, the how of things. I just sit there and think, like I’m some pensive philosopher, thinking about something really intellectual. I want to say that, knowing that I really just look like another Asian girl spacing out.
I spent the day, wasting my time. I knew I had tons to do. I knew yet I did not do anything to change the fact that I was wasting my time. I only continued to waste time.
I’m running away because I can’t face reality. That’s the deep profound reason to why I’m procrastinating. However, the truth is that I’ve been really stressed out. I tried working on my MS. I stared at it and nothing came out. I decided to watch the pilot for Emily Owens M.D, the new doctor show with Mamie Gummer, Meryl Streep’s daughter. It’s such a good show, but this post is not about how good that show was and how much I connected with that. It’s not.
I look back at what I did today, or rather the lack of action, and I want to cry. I want to cry not because I was being inefficient but because I’ve been running away. I told myself, just a few seconds ago that it was all because I was stressed out. My schedule for this year is weird and really stressful compared to last year’s. However, I’ve been running away for a long time.
I can’t face the fact that my future is not the future that the seven-year-old me envisioned for myself. It’s not the life that the 10-year-old me planned out for myself either. It’s not even the life that I thought I had last year. My life, is nothing that I imagined. Maybe the past was based on delusions of my mind, the naive belief that somehow, my deepest hopes will somehow, like a miracle, turn out to be true. I grow older, day by day, and I get more cynical, day by day. Perhaps I am becoming more pragmatic. I don’t know.
I was re-reading old posts on Huiwen’s blog and Su Ann’s blog. The posts struck me the same way, as if I hadn’t read them at all, as if it was my first time reading them. The truth is, that I’ve been re-reading the posts, more than twice. I was telling my friend that I wanted to cry because of my lack of skill and it’s still true. I sometimes wonder why I blog, when there are so many bloggers who write better than I do.
I was having an so-called deep, profound, intellectual, whatever you want to call it chat with my friend when I realized that I’m not the only one sending my thoughts out into the world. That is a little comforting.
I want to leave you with things to think about because it’s about time I got some work done.
